The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
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