Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
