just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
