i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
