I wish my penis had an off switch
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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