Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
