i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
