why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
