just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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