Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
