I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
