just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
