beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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