I think I just saw someone hide a body.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
