Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
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he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
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Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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