Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
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Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?