Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.