i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
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i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
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I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.