I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this