Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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