I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
