Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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