so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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