The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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