I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
There r osticjed everywhere
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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