you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
