Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
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