The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
