you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
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