I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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