How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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