Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
