I can't breathe out the right side of my face
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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