Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
