He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I think people are normalizing furries
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
