i think my tv is drunk
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
