um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Did I show you my penis last night?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
