so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
