no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
