Just mADE A PArabola og urine
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
