If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Randomize
