you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
