omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
