More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Congratulations! We have a period
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
