Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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