Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
