I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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