Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
