I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
