don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
