I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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