Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
