Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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