I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize