Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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