I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
