Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
