It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
