I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
